Essay Correction 2 (Standards of People’s Health)

Question

The standards of people’s health will be lower in the coming future than it is now. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Introduction (original)

As the axiom goes, health is wealth. A healthy lifestyle is an important and basic for everyone’s life. Now days, people have careless mentality towards their health, because they are leading a hectic life. This custom will increase in future also. Hence I agree with these statements because of some reason, which are given below.

Introduction (corrected)

A healthy lifestyle is important and the basis for everyone’s life.  Nowadays, people have a careless attitude towards their health, because they are leading a hectic life. This tendency will become more prominent in future.  Hence I agree with this statement because of reasons given below.

(I have just corrected the grammar of the introduction.  This does not appropriately address the task.  The question is not about a ‘healthy lifestyle’, and therefore write about health.  Moreover, don’t write a reason for deterioration of health in the introduction itself.  You can talk about ‘unhealthy lifestyle’ in the body of the essay.) 

Introduction (improved)

A better introduction may be:

Although a great deal of improvement has been made in the healthcare sector, there is a rising concern about the lowering standards of human health, especially due to the increasing lifestyle diseases.  Hence, many people fear that in the future there will be deterioration in people’s physical wellness and I support this view.

First Body Paragraph (original)

To begin with, because of globalization and technological advancement, people always engaged in their own works.  They don’t have an enough time to consider their health and lifestyle. For instance, people are compelled to eat fast foods because they don’t get an enough time to cook at home. These foods contain high amount of fat and carbohydrates.

This will spoil our health.

(I have corrected the grammar of this paragraph.  You need to understand that the first sentence of the paragraph should answer the question ‘why do you think people’s health will be worse in the future?’  It is also an opportunity for you to write a complex sentence.)

First Body Paragraph (corrected)

To begin with, because of globalization and technological advancements, people spend too many hours at work. They don’t have an enough time to care for their health and lifestyle.  For instance, people are compelled to eat fast foods because they don’t get an enough time to cook at home. These foods contain high amount of fat and carbohydrates and spoil their health.

First Body Paragraph (improved)

I rewrote your topic sentence and example in this way:

To begin with, due to the excess pressure and long hours at work, most people would find it difficult to care for their health, in terms of having a healthy diet or sufficient physical exercise.  This would definitely have a negative impact on the health of majority of people, in the coming decades.  For example, people would be compelled to eat fast foods and tinned foods as they may not get enough time cook at home.  Since these foods contain high amount of fat and carbohydrates they can affect people’s health very seriously.

Second Body Paragraph (original)

In addition, second thing is developing of bad habits among people, such as smoking, alcoholism and so on. To cite an example, as a part of their job and business they have to attend many parties and functions. By the time people are forced to drink or smoke to show off their social standard. Besides, people believe that it is the best way to relax their mind from the tension and stress which they are facing at work place.

Second Body Paragraph (corrected and improved)

In addition, there is an increasing addiction to bad habits, such as, smoking and alcoholism, especially among the middle and upper middle class society.  To explain, diseases like oral cancers and cirrhosis of the liver are often linked to the above addictions.  To cite an example, as a part of their job and business, people have to attend many parties and functions.  On such occasions, they are forced to drink or smoke to show off their social status, which often grow into an addiction.  Besides, people believe that it is the best way to relax their mind from the tension and stress at work.

Opposing view (original)

On the other hand, some people believe that advancement of technology will increase the knowledge and standards of health in future. However from the evidence, it indicates that the concept of health and standards will become worst in future than present.

Opposing view (corrected and improved)

On the other hand, some people believe that the advancements in healthcare and the invention of new medicines for many chronic illnesses point to the improvement in the standards of health in the future.  However, changing life-styles and increasing indulgence in bad habits among people indicate a definite decline in the quality of health in the future.

Conclusion (original)

To sum up, even though there is some problem, technological development has its own advantages. And it is inevitable for our next generation. In my opinion, people should conscious about their health as like their work.  

(The summary should generally be a summary of the essay and should state the position of the writer.  This conclusion does not meet that requirement.)

Conclusion (improved)

To sum up, despite the claims of better physical well-being, there are clear signs that the future generations will need to deal with worse disease conditions compared to the present. 

Comment and click the Facebook icon to share it on your page...thanks.

Essay Correction 1 (Directors of large companies)

Studying Essay Corrections

Studying the process of correcting an essay is a very effective way to improve your English very fast.  You will also understand the mistakes you should avoid and the improvements you need to make in your essay.  If you can study these corrections very closely, it will definitely speed up your way to 7.

Question

Directors of large companies usually receive a very high salary, while normal workers receive much less.  Some people say it is unfair. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Introduction:

Original:

Most of the companies, of late, provide high wages to high ranking staff. Whereas, the subordinates supposed to satisfy with less salary.  Even though, their contributions and commitments to their work are unavoidable, they are depreciated by higher authorities. It is unjustifiable in the view of their efforts.

Corrected:

Most large companies, of late, pay very high wages to the top executives, whereas, the subordinate staff (‘lower level employees’ is more appropriate vocabulary.) are expected to be satisfied with much less salary.  Even though their contributions to the company and commitment to their work are valuable to the functioning of the organisation, they are often not given proper consideration by the higher authorities, in terms of paying them more comparable wages.  It is unjustifiable considering their efforts.

Correction Analysis:

Most of the companies – ‘most companies’ is enough.  Since the question mentions ‘large companies’, it is better to use ‘most large companies’.

Provide salaries – a better collocation is ‘pay salaries or offer salaries’

Subordinates – this word often denotes a relationship of a higher lever employee with a lower level employee and therefore not very appropriate.  I haven’t corrected this word but added ‘subordinate staff’, which is better.  Words like ‘ordinary employees’ is more appropriate.

Supposed to satisfy: passive voice should be used, ‘is supposed to’, and it is better to use ‘expected to’ instead of ‘supposed to’

Unavoidable: inevitable is a more appropriate academic word.

Depreciated: inappropriate vocabulary.

A simple introduction (opposite view)

In most large businesses, the people at the top management, such as CEOs, Chairmen and executive heads are paid exorbitant salaries, whereas ordinary employees receive much lower pay.  This practice, in my opinion, is acceptable and the reasons for my view, is discussed in this essay.

First Body Paragraph

Original

To commence with, the most of the higher authority officers of an organization are treated by good emuneration according to their qualification, capabilities and experience. Similarly the normal employees are dserved for adequate payment  inspite of their less  qualifications because their roles are more pivotal than other higher positioned employees in an institution. To exemplify, in an organization, the persons those who hold higher positions are like the brain of a body . In the same way the underlings are like the heart of a body. So mutal collaboration of both categories are essential for the success  of a company. Here body will function with the help of heart, if brain damage but body will not function if heart cease. Likely a company can work in the absence of director or manger but it would not work if  subordinates idle their work for a while. Hence it is not abidable to  treat normal workers with less salary.

corrected

To commence, most top executives of an organization are rewarded with exceptional remuneration on the basis of their qualification, capabilities and experience.  Likewise, normal employees also deserve a more comparable pay because their roles are equally important or complementary, just like the directors of a company. To exemplify, the people who hold executive positions in an organization are like the brain of a body. In the same way, their subordinates, especially workers at the bottom level, can be considered as various organs that have different functions, and if their roles are not performed, the activities of the body will be affected.  (This example is not very appropriate.  Please write another example.) Therefore, mutual collaboration of both the categories of employees is essential for the success of a company.   Hence the huge disparity of wages between lower level employees and people at the top level management is not reasonable.

Correction Analysis:

To commence with: ‘to commence’ is correct

the higher authority officers: this is not a common usage.  A more appropriate expression would be, ‘the top executive personnel/officers of the organisation’.  See the synonyms for ‘directors’.  This phrase be corrected this way, ‘officers at the highest authority’.

treated by good remuneration:’ rewarded with exceptional remuneration’.  ‘Treated’ is a wrong collocation here.  Good remuneration is not equal to ‘very high salary’

according to: ‘on the basis of’ is more appropriate

This paragraph is not corrected.

 Moreover, each employee has unique role in a working field.  In other words one cannot replace another's job. So considering  junior workers  as other higher positioned staff without much variation is a responsibility of a company administration. For instance, in a hospital institution, a medical director cannot do the job of  a nurse vice her absence due to the lack of experience and knowledge in nursing.. So each institution try to understand the importance of each employee's role in their working field and also try to give appropriate remuneration.  (for the directors of big companies, you cannot give the example of a doctor and a nurse.  Please rewrite this paragraph because both the points are related.  Otherwise, only one point is required.  You can write ‘on the one hand’ and ‘on the other hand’.)

Opposite view

Original

In contrast, the directors and managers have more qualifications and capabilities than their subordinates. Hence they deserved for lucrative payment but the normal workers do not unvalue by their standard of job. In other word, they should treat without much reduction by considering their importance.

corrected

In contrast, there are people who believe that directors and top managers have greater qualifications and capabilities than their subordinates and hence they deserve lucrative pay.  Nonetheless, this does not qualify ordinary workers for an inferior remuneration, as their contribution to the organisation need to be taken seriously. In other words, the huge difference in the salaries of both categories is totally unjustified.

Conclusion

original

To recaptulate, eventhough the ordinary staff of a company do not do more enterprises, they are not supposed to consider by less reward. They have right to receive  deserved paycheck without much deduction.

corrected

In short, although the ordinary employees of a company may not have same qualifications and responsibilities of directors of a company, the large wage difference that exist in big companies is unacceptable.

(Please correct every word of the correction and the improvisation, so that you improve your writing.)

key words, synonyms and similar words

Directors: People in the top management, CEOs, Chairmen, Presidents and Vice-presidents, top executives etc.

Large companies: huge business organizations, giant corporations, multi/trans/international business organizations/firms/establishments

Very high salary: exorbitant remuneration, top-end salaries, enormous financial incentives and benefits.

Normal workers: ordinary staff, lower level employees,

much less: lower wages, ordinary salaries, huge disparity in remuneration

Unfair: unreasonable, unjustifiable, unacceptable.

Comment and click the Facebook icon to share it on your page...thanks.

Essay Writing Course Online

Darsana Academy Ad Until 7 (2)

Comment and click the Facebook icon to share it on your page...thanks.

Darsana Ad (Until 7)

Comment and click the Facebook icon to share it on your page...thanks.

Latest Essays Questions (Credit Cards)

IELTS Essay,  January 2014


Nowadays it is easy to apply for and be given a credit card. However, some people experience problems when they are not be able to pay their debts back. In your opinion, do the advantages of credit cards outweigh the disadvantages?