Studying Essay Corrections
Studying the process of correcting an essay is a very
effective way to improve your English very fast. You will also understand the mistakes you
should avoid and the improvements you need to make in your essay. If you can study these corrections very
closely, it will definitely speed up your way to 7.
Question
Directors of large
companies usually receive a very high salary, while normal
workers receive much less.
Some people say it is unfair. To what extent do you agree or
disagree?
Introduction:
Original:
Most of the
companies, of late, provide high wages to high ranking staff. Whereas, the
subordinates supposed to satisfy with less salary. Even though, their contributions and
commitments to their work are unavoidable, they are depreciated by higher
authorities. It is unjustifiable in the view of their efforts.
Corrected:
Most large companies,
of late, pay very high wages to the top executives, whereas, the subordinate
staff (‘lower level employees’ is more appropriate vocabulary.) are expected to
be satisfied with much less salary. Even
though their contributions to the company and commitment to their work are valuable
to the functioning of the organisation, they are often not given proper
consideration by the higher authorities, in terms of paying them more
comparable wages. It is unjustifiable considering
their efforts.
Correction Analysis:
Most of
the companies – ‘most
companies’ is enough. Since the question
mentions ‘large companies’, it is better to use ‘most large companies’.
Provide
salaries – a better
collocation is ‘pay salaries or offer salaries’
Subordinates – this word often denotes a
relationship of a higher lever employee with a lower level employee and
therefore not very appropriate. I
haven’t corrected this word but added ‘subordinate staff’, which is better. Words like ‘ordinary employees’ is more
appropriate.
Supposed
to satisfy: passive
voice should be used, ‘is supposed to’, and it is better to use ‘expected to’
instead of ‘supposed to’
Unavoidable: inevitable is a more appropriate
academic word.
Depreciated: inappropriate vocabulary.
A simple
introduction (opposite view)
In most large businesses, the people at the top
management, such as CEOs, Chairmen and executive heads are paid exorbitant
salaries, whereas ordinary employees receive much lower pay. This practice, in my opinion, is acceptable
and the reasons for my view, is discussed in this essay.
First Body Paragraph
Original
To commence
with, the most of the higher authority officers of an organization are treated
by good emuneration according to their qualification, capabilities and
experience. Similarly the normal employees are dserved for adequate
payment inspite of their less qualifications because their roles are more
pivotal than other higher positioned employees in an institution. To exemplify,
in an organization, the persons those who hold higher positions are like the
brain of a body . In the same way the underlings are like the heart of a body.
So mutal collaboration of both categories are essential for the success of a company. Here body will function with
the help of heart, if brain damage but body will not function if heart cease.
Likely a company can work in the absence of director or manger but it would not
work if subordinates idle their work for
a while. Hence it is not abidable to
treat normal workers with less salary.
corrected
To
commence, most top executives of an organization are rewarded with exceptional
remuneration on the basis of their qualification, capabilities and experience. Likewise, normal employees also deserve a more
comparable pay because their roles are equally important or complementary, just
like the directors of a company. To exemplify, the people who hold executive
positions in an organization are like the brain of a body. In the same way, their
subordinates, especially workers at the bottom level, can be considered as
various organs that have different functions, and if their roles are not
performed, the activities of the body will be affected. (This example is not very appropriate. Please write another example.) Therefore, mutual
collaboration of both the categories of employees is essential for the success
of a company. Hence the huge disparity
of wages between lower level employees and people at the top level management
is not reasonable.
Correction Analysis:
To
commence with: ‘to
commence’ is correct
the
higher authority officers:
this is not a common usage. A more
appropriate expression would be, ‘the top executive personnel/officers of the
organisation’. See the synonyms for
‘directors’. This phrase be corrected
this way, ‘officers at the highest authority’.
treated by
good remuneration:’ rewarded with exceptional remuneration’. ‘Treated’ is a wrong collocation here. Good remuneration is not equal to ‘very high salary’
according
to: ‘on the basis
of’ is more appropriate
This
paragraph is not corrected.
Moreover,
each employee has unique role in a working field. In other words one cannot replace another's
job. So considering junior workers as other higher positioned staff without much
variation is a responsibility of a company administration. For instance, in a
hospital institution, a medical director cannot do the job of a nurse vice her absence due to the lack of
experience and knowledge in nursing.. So each institution try to understand the
importance of each employee's role in their working field and also try to give
appropriate remuneration. (for the
directors of big companies, you cannot give the example of a doctor and a
nurse. Please rewrite this paragraph
because both the points are related.
Otherwise, only one point is required.
You can write ‘on the one hand’ and ‘on the other hand’.)
Opposite view
Original
In
contrast, the directors and managers have more qualifications and capabilities
than their subordinates. Hence they deserved for lucrative payment but the
normal workers do not unvalue by their standard of job. In other word, they
should treat without much reduction by considering their importance.
corrected
In
contrast, there are people who believe that directors and top managers have greater
qualifications and capabilities than their subordinates and hence they deserve
lucrative pay. Nonetheless, this does
not qualify ordinary workers for an inferior remuneration, as their contribution
to the organisation need to be taken seriously. In other words, the huge
difference in the salaries of both categories is totally unjustified.
Conclusion
original
To
recaptulate, eventhough the ordinary staff of a company do not do more
enterprises, they are not supposed to consider by less reward. They have right
to receive deserved paycheck without
much deduction.
corrected
In short, although
the ordinary employees of a company may not have same qualifications and
responsibilities of directors of a company, the large wage difference that
exist in big companies is unacceptable.
(Please
correct every word of the correction and the improvisation, so that you improve
your writing.)
key words, synonyms and similar words
Directors: People in
the top management, CEOs, Chairmen, Presidents and Vice-presidents, top
executives etc.
Large companies: huge
business organizations, giant corporations, multi/trans/international business
organizations/firms/establishments
Very high salary: exorbitant
remuneration, top-end salaries, enormous financial incentives and benefits.
Normal workers: ordinary
staff, lower level employees,
much less: lower wages,
ordinary salaries, huge disparity in remuneration
Unfair: unreasonable, unjustifiable, unacceptable.
