PROPORTION OF ADULTS USING PUBLIC TRANSPORT

PROPORTION OF ADULTS USING PUBLIC TRANSPORT TO WORK OR STUDY IN THE CAPITAL CITIES OF AUSTRALIA CHANGE BETWEEN 1996 AND 2006.

Years	1996	2000	2003	2006	Change
	%  %	%	%	%
Sydney	23.4	25.0	25.9	26.3	12.4
Melbourne	13.1	15.9	15.3	17.7	35.1
Brisbane	14.3	11.6	15.7	17.5	22.4
Adelaide	12.2	10.6	13.4	14.4	18.0
Perth	10.5	11.3	10.5	10.7	1.9
Hobart	12.8	5.2	6.9	10.3	-19.5
Canberra	11.4	8.2	8.1	7.9	-30.7
Total	16.3	17.2	17.9	19.1	17.2

The table gives a comparative study of the changes in the use of public transport by adults for work or study in the capital cities of Australia from 1996 to 2006.

Overall, public transport use grew by 17% for all capital cities combined, with Melbourne experiencing the highest growth (35%).  While increased use of public transport is reflected across most capital cities, only Canberra and Hobart experienced a decline in the proportion of adults using it.  In Canberra, public transport use fell by about 31% between 1996 and 2006. While rates of use fluctuated in Hobart over this period, the 2006 rate was around 20% lower than that in 1996.

In 2006, Sydney had the highest level of public transport use, with over one-quarter (26%) using it, whereas Canberra (8%) recorded the lowest level of public transport usage.  Other capital cities that made significant contribution to the public transport use are Melbourne, Brisbane and Adelaide at 17.7%, 17.5% and 14.4% respectively.

In conclusion, most capital cities in Australia experienced a moderate increase in the use of public transport, but it was only a small proportion compared to other forms of transport.

Essay (47) Air Travel and Communication

The 20th century witnessed huge breakthroughs in air travel and communication.  This has brought benefits to many nations through close contact with foreigners at different levels, from tourism to business.  Some people, however, say there were more drawbacks than benefits.  To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Countries have achieved substantial progress in various fields, such as business and tourism as a result of closer international relations through developments in airline sector and electronic communication.  However, we need to examine whether the negative impacts of these developments have outweighed the benefits.

Firstly, frequent flights and cheaper airfares are the latest trends in airline sector, which has boosted tourism in many countries, helping them to reap great economic benefits.  Besides, even areas like mountains and jungle regions have become exotic tourist destinations due to easy accessibility by air. For example, a major income in many African counties and island nations like Singapore is tourism and the main reason is the popularity of air-travel.  Similarly, through developments in internet communication, people now can book their flights and hotels online, which has made travel more convenient and economical.

Furthermore, international businesses have grown tremendously, as executives can conveniently fly to different countries and communicate online to transact businesses.  Another area that has emerged due to the development of modern communication systems is business outsourcing.  For example, many Indian companies like Infosys and Wipro today perform software development and back office jobs for major US firms, through their employees located in Indian cities like Bangalore and Hyderabad. 

However, greater access to people of other countries has also led to certain consequences like internationalisation of criminal activities like terrorism and degradation of the cultures of people in underdeveloped countries.  Nonetheless, these negative aspects have very little significance as individuals and businesses in all countries have greatly benefitted from development of air travel and communication.

In summary, despite certain drawbacks, the growth of air travel and communication systems has definitely helped the comprehensive development of the economies of many countries.

Essay 46 (Credit Cards)

Nowadays it is easy to apply for and be given a credit card.  However, some people experience problems when they are not able to pay their debts back. In your opinion, do the advantages of credit cards outweigh the disadvantages?

Most banks today have reduced the formalities required for issuing a credit card but the inability to repay credit card debts has driven many into mounting financial difficulties.  Yet, I believe that this electronic credit facility is greatly advantageous to people, if handled with proper caution and prudence.

In the first place, credit cards have enabled people to handle their large financial emergencies without strain and pay back the money later in easy installments.  For example, if an individual has an unforeseen hospital expense as a result of an accident or illness he can use his card to borrow money without going to a bank or approaching another person.

Moreover, people can travel without mental stress or anxiety about any unexpected crisis.  For instance, people who travel abroad often experience difficulties like, unexpected cancellation, delay of flights and loss of luggage.  On such occasions people can easily make use of credit cards to pay the extra money they need.

Nevertheless, if people are not able to repay their credit card interest on time they could end up in serious financial troubles.  This usually occurs when people borrow money beyond their expected weekly or monthly income or engage in excessive shopping using this facility.  Besides, some people are less conscious about the amount of money they spend or the date of repayment.  The above points clearly show that credit cards cause financial liabilities when people use them unwisely or without discretion.

I summary, credit cards have proven to be extremely beneficial to people in terms of managing their financial emergencies.  If people use them with greater care, they can effectively overcome the negative impacts to a large extent.

265 words


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Essay Correction 4 (Future Health)

The standards of people's health will be lower in the coming future than it is now. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

Introduction (Original)

By the advent of globalization and modernization people's health  standards are changed a lot and will make great impacts in future also. Eventhough, there are many new strategies to promote the physical and mental wellbeing of humanity, the health standards of people are worsend day by day owing to many factors like sedentary life style and unhealthy practices.

(Please study these corrections and never repeat them)

·         By the advent (preposition): ‘with the advent’ is better

·         Health standards are changed (grammar error): health standards have changed. (This is a very common grammatical error that you make. Please be very careful.)

·         A lot (wrong register (informal expression)): Other words that can be used are ‘a great deal’, ‘greatly’, ‘enormously’, ‘substantially’ (‘A lot’ is not very informal, but ‘semi formal’. Since there are many other options, please use them.  Another informal usage is ‘plenty of’.)

·         Make a great impact (wrong collocation): have a great impact

·         Also: (inappropriate vocabulary): Do not use ‘also’ in the end. ‘Too’ and ‘as well’ are more appropriate.

·         Mental (wrong vocabulary): ‘psychological’ is a better usage here because mental may sometimes mean, ‘psychiatric’.

·         Are worsened (grammar error): have worsened (since you have used ‘day by day’ it should be ‘are worsening’.)

Introduction (Corrected)

With the advent of globalization and modernization people's health standards have changed a great deal and this will have a great impact in future too.  Even though there are many new strategies to promote the physical and psychological wellbeing of humanity, the health standards of people are worsening day by day, owing to many factors like sedentary life style and unhealthy practices.

(Although you have tried to state your position in the introduction is not very clear here.  Therefore I have changed the introduction in this way.)

Introduction (improved)

With the advent of globalization and modernization people's health standards have changed a great deal.  Even though there are many new strategies to promote the physical and psychological wellbeing of humanity, the general health of people are worsening day by day, owing to many factors like sedentary life style and unhealthy practices. In my view, this trend is likely to continue in the future.

First body paragraph (original)

To commence, the wholesome of people has been declined by several reasons.  As the countdown of advanced technology, the life of humankind has became more materialistic and sophisticated, which paves the way to sedentary life style. As a result, people are more prone health risks. In other words, the ever increasing incidence of heart diseases, diabetic mellitus and other life style related diseases shows that people's health are deteriorated and will become bad in future also.

First body paragraph (Corrected)

To begin with, the health of the people has declined due several reasons.  As a result of advanced technology, human life has become more comfortable and materialistic, which has paved the way for a sedentary life style.  As a result, people are more prone to greater health risks.  For instance, the ever increasing incidence of heart diseases, diabetic mellitus and other life style related illnesses show that people's health has deteriorated and will become worse in the future.

Second body paragraph (original)

By analysing both points, although our new generation is aware about proper health care management, they show inclination to unhealthy habits like smoking, drinking and poor dietary pattern. Meanwhile, it increases the occurance of some other diseases like cancer and hypertension and also augment the mortality and morbidity rates. In addition to that, the current stressful working environment and education system will deterimentally influence the mental health of a person and  degrade both mental and physical health and also generate stress related healthy ailments in coming years.

Second body paragraph (corrected)

Moreover, the present generation has greater inclination towards unhealthy habits like smoking, drinking and unhealthy dietary pattern and this trend is not expected to change in the future.  Such habits can increase the occurrence of certain diseases like cancer and hypertension which can lead to the deterioration the morbidity standards.  In addition, the current stressful work environment and highly competitive education system are likely to influence the emotional health of people negatively, which would lead to stress related ailments in the coming years.

Opposing Paragraph (Original)

On the other hand, the provision of three dimensional health care services such as, preventive, promotive and rehabilitative care will improve the health standards of people. It has reduced the prevalance of many communicable diseases. For example, the hygienic practices like drinking water sanitation, hand washing and pasteurization of milk has decreased the incidence of food borne diseases like cholera and tyhoid. Likewise there are many programmes to improve health awareness among society which will be mould a healthy generation in coming recent years.

Opposing Paragraph (corrected)

On the other hand, there is an opposing view that the development of modern health care system, such as the provision of three dimensional health care services of preventive, promotive and rehabilitative care would improve the health standards of people.  It has already reduced the prevalence of many communicable diseases.  To be clear, the hygienic practices like drinking water sanitation, hand washing and pasteurization of milk has decreased the incidence of food borne diseases like cholera and typhoid.  Likewise, there are many programmes to improve health awareness of the society which is expected to mould a healthier generation in the coming recent years.

Conclusion (Original)

To conclude, nowadays,  there are many measures to improve health standards of people but current lifestyle and unhealthy practices of man despite of its negative influences will deteriorate the health status of people than it is now.

Conclusion (corrected)

To conclude, nowadays,  there are many measures to improve health standards of people but the current lifestyle and unhealthy practices of man would worsen the health status of people than it is now.

         

You have not followed the following basic conditions of the IELTS essay:

·         There is no proper editing of the essay.

·         Paragraphing is improper.

·         Within paragraphs organising of ideas is not proper.

·         Even spelling mistakes are there.

Please note the following points:

·         Every supporting paragraph must have a topic sentence and an example.

·         Opposing paragraph need not have examples and you just need to show the points.

·         If you want you can explain the topic sentence with an additional sentence.  It is better not to write more than two sentences before you write the example.

·         At the end of the opposing paragraph you are expected to come back to your original position by refuting the arguments in that paragraph.  You can use another paragraph to do that or expand the conclusion to refute the opposite idea.

Please take care of these things when you write the next essay.  If you don’t do it, I will send the essay back to you for correction.

 


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