Essay Correction 4 (Future Health)

The standards of people's health will be lower in the coming future than it is now. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

Introduction (Original)

By the advent of globalization and modernization people's health  standards are changed a lot and will make great impacts in future also. Eventhough, there are many new strategies to promote the physical and mental wellbeing of humanity, the health standards of people are worsend day by day owing to many factors like sedentary life style and unhealthy practices.

(Please study these corrections and never repeat them)

·         By the advent (preposition): ‘with the advent’ is better

·         Health standards are changed (grammar error): health standards have changed. (This is a very common grammatical error that you make. Please be very careful.)

·         A lot (wrong register (informal expression)): Other words that can be used are ‘a great deal’, ‘greatly’, ‘enormously’, ‘substantially’ (‘A lot’ is not very informal, but ‘semi formal’. Since there are many other options, please use them.  Another informal usage is ‘plenty of’.)

·         Make a great impact (wrong collocation): have a great impact

·         Also: (inappropriate vocabulary): Do not use ‘also’ in the end. ‘Too’ and ‘as well’ are more appropriate.

·         Mental (wrong vocabulary): ‘psychological’ is a better usage here because mental may sometimes mean, ‘psychiatric’.

·         Are worsened (grammar error): have worsened (since you have used ‘day by day’ it should be ‘are worsening’.)

Introduction (Corrected)

With the advent of globalization and modernization people's health standards have changed a great deal and this will have a great impact in future too.  Even though there are many new strategies to promote the physical and psychological wellbeing of humanity, the health standards of people are worsening day by day, owing to many factors like sedentary life style and unhealthy practices.

(Although you have tried to state your position in the introduction is not very clear here.  Therefore I have changed the introduction in this way.)

Introduction (improved)

With the advent of globalization and modernization people's health standards have changed a great deal.  Even though there are many new strategies to promote the physical and psychological wellbeing of humanity, the general health of people are worsening day by day, owing to many factors like sedentary life style and unhealthy practices. In my view, this trend is likely to continue in the future.

First body paragraph (original)

To commence, the wholesome of people has been declined by several reasons.  As the countdown of advanced technology, the life of humankind has became more materialistic and sophisticated, which paves the way to sedentary life style. As a result, people are more prone health risks. In other words, the ever increasing incidence of heart diseases, diabetic mellitus and other life style related diseases shows that people's health are deteriorated and will become bad in future also.

First body paragraph (Corrected)

To begin with, the health of the people has declined due several reasons.  As a result of advanced technology, human life has become more comfortable and materialistic, which has paved the way for a sedentary life style.  As a result, people are more prone to greater health risks.  For instance, the ever increasing incidence of heart diseases, diabetic mellitus and other life style related illnesses show that people's health has deteriorated and will become worse in the future.

Second body paragraph (original)

By analysing both points, although our new generation is aware about proper health care management, they show inclination to unhealthy habits like smoking, drinking and poor dietary pattern. Meanwhile, it increases the occurance of some other diseases like cancer and hypertension and also augment the mortality and morbidity rates. In addition to that, the current stressful working environment and education system will deterimentally influence the mental health of a person and  degrade both mental and physical health and also generate stress related healthy ailments in coming years.

Second body paragraph (corrected)

Moreover, the present generation has greater inclination towards unhealthy habits like smoking, drinking and unhealthy dietary pattern and this trend is not expected to change in the future.  Such habits can increase the occurrence of certain diseases like cancer and hypertension which can lead to the deterioration the morbidity standards.  In addition, the current stressful work environment and highly competitive education system are likely to influence the emotional health of people negatively, which would lead to stress related ailments in the coming years.

Opposing Paragraph (Original)

On the other hand, the provision of three dimensional health care services such as, preventive, promotive and rehabilitative care will improve the health standards of people. It has reduced the prevalance of many communicable diseases. For example, the hygienic practices like drinking water sanitation, hand washing and pasteurization of milk has decreased the incidence of food borne diseases like cholera and tyhoid. Likewise there are many programmes to improve health awareness among society which will be mould a healthy generation in coming recent years.

Opposing Paragraph (corrected)

On the other hand, there is an opposing view that the development of modern health care system, such as the provision of three dimensional health care services of preventive, promotive and rehabilitative care would improve the health standards of people.  It has already reduced the prevalence of many communicable diseases.  To be clear, the hygienic practices like drinking water sanitation, hand washing and pasteurization of milk has decreased the incidence of food borne diseases like cholera and typhoid.  Likewise, there are many programmes to improve health awareness of the society which is expected to mould a healthier generation in the coming recent years.

Conclusion (Original)

To conclude, nowadays,  there are many measures to improve health standards of people but current lifestyle and unhealthy practices of man despite of its negative influences will deteriorate the health status of people than it is now.

Conclusion (corrected)

To conclude, nowadays,  there are many measures to improve health standards of people but the current lifestyle and unhealthy practices of man would worsen the health status of people than it is now.

         

You have not followed the following basic conditions of the IELTS essay:

·         There is no proper editing of the essay.

·         Paragraphing is improper.

·         Within paragraphs organising of ideas is not proper.

·         Even spelling mistakes are there.

Please note the following points:

·         Every supporting paragraph must have a topic sentence and an example.

·         Opposing paragraph need not have examples and you just need to show the points.

·         If you want you can explain the topic sentence with an additional sentence.  It is better not to write more than two sentences before you write the example.

·         At the end of the opposing paragraph you are expected to come back to your original position by refuting the arguments in that paragraph.  You can use another paragraph to do that or expand the conclusion to refute the opposite idea.

Please take care of these things when you write the next essay.  If you don’t do it, I will send the essay back to you for correction.

 


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